Introduction

El Roi, You see me!

Even just typing the name, my heart grows heavy. Sigh.

Our sister Lilly, in the East branch of RPF, sang this song on our worship night, celebrating 10 years of RPF. Can we just give God a standing ovation, this God is too faithful, He’ll will blow your mind. Try him.

She sang this song, and I didn’t understand why anyone would sing about it, let me be real.

Let’s sing Theophilus: “intensify, intensify o, this hunger is not enough o, this fire is not enough o”

Like those songs are my bag because I understand not having enough fire or hunger to simply love God. I feel that pain Theo man 😩

At that point, God hadn’t introduced Himself to me as El Roi. God has introduced Himself to me with many of His other names; Jireh, Rpaha - the list goes on.

But El Roi, I had never known Him as that, I never thought I needed an El Roi, to be quite frank.

El Roi: ‘You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees”.

In Genesis chapter 16 -

We encounter a situation where Sarai and Abram, these were their names before God pimped their names to Sarah and Abraham. We all know their story, they were old and childless, Sarai was passed child-bearing age, so they were in a bit of a pickle. They wanted their own child but how can you have a child at like 100? Humanly impossible, right? So Sarai, I’m going to use her old name because I hope her new self won’t come up with such things ever again, thought that since she has a maidservant, whose name was Hagar, it would be a good idea for Abram to have a child with Hagar and then call that child her own. So, she told her husband, Abram:

“See now, the LORD has restrained me from bearing children. Please [sis is begging] go in to my maid; perhaps I shall obtain children by her”. - Genesis 16:2

Abram “heeded the voice of Sarai”. Sorry, sidenote: of course he agreed! I bet he tried to make it out like: babe, I don’t want to do this, but if you insist. If only I could have been a fly on the wall. Oh wait, that’s giving monitoring spirit, oops. Anywaysssss.

After all of that, Hagar concieved, and Sarai got angry. I thought this was what she wanted. Tbh, I can get where Sarai is coming from, but what did she actually expect? But since Hagar conceived, Sarai got mad, and she gave some big spill in Genesis 16:5 (please go read it; I can’t type it here; my team keeps telling me to keep these entries short, and I am really trying looool) but yeah, so Abram says, she’s your servant, do as you wish.

Wait, thinking about it:

1. It’s giving Handmaid’s Tale

2. Abram was certainly not leading his household like he was just a bench man, jumping when told to jump. This is why women shouldn’t lead 😬 Don’t kill me!
   But I love him, though, for he is the father of the faith that we have today! Thank you, father Abraham!

Sarai dealt with Hagar harshly. I don’t know what she did, but it was harsh enough for Hagar to run away. I’m never coming back type vibes. She’s crazy type vibes. I get you Hagar man, it’s tough.

So an “Angel of the LORD” [Genesis 16:9], THIS IS JESUS!!!! EEEK FAN MOMENT!, encounters Hagar when she run away into the wilderness, He knew exactly where she was and asked her why she run away. looool God you know why! But He still asks because He wants to hear it from your perpesective, He literally just want to talk to us, how cute! She tells Him and God comforts her, blesses her and tells her to go backkkk! Huuhhh? God did you not see what Sarai did, and you’re telling her to go back? There are many reason why God said and again we will discuss this in the next entry - gotta keep it short right?

Please read the whole of chapter 16 - we are pressed for time.

But after all that, we have Ischmel - a staple figure in Isalm. - again, another topic of why Islam is a byproduct of the God of Christianity - but again next entry!

But God saw Hagar; God sees all of us. Sigh, Holy Spirit help me unpack this….

You’re upset; God sees. You have suffered injustice; God sees. You have been neglected; God sees. You have been through abuse; God saw. You were the black sheep of the family; God saw. You have tried your best to be a peacemaker, and it’s overlooked; God sees. You are trying your best, but it’s never good enough for humans; God sees.

Can ya’ll see my trauma? looool - glory to God, right? - she says with tears.

He has always seen. He is always seeing.

There’s a difference between suffering and no one seeing or understanding what you are going through and suffering, but someone sees and understands what you are going through. It brings comfort. I don’t know if I’m making sense.

It’s not like we want people on our side, backing that we were right in the situation, but it’s just that in those helpless moments, we just want to know that someone sees what we are going through. That knows what you are going through and sees your pain.

Imagine, you’re suffering a wrong that someone has done to you, and you think that no one knows, no one sees, no one cares. You’ll go crazy, you’ll fall into depression. You’ll feel alone. Tired. Weary. Hopeless. Alone.

But the God who sees, who never sleeps nor slumbers, knows your case. He has seen how the world has done you wrong. He has seen how family has done you wrong. He sees the pain that you are going through.

Although we are going through silent battles, someone hears and understands and cares. Who knows what you are going through, those silent cries in the middle of the night, hoping no one hears, God is there. He sees and more importantly, feels your pain.

It just warms my soul knowing this, and we can be confident in knowing that even in our darkest times, someone actually sees what we went through/going through. It did not go unnoticed. When God sees us, it brings comfort in suffering and a sense of justice as God will fight for us. Low times are inevitable, but being able to cry on someone's shoulder makes all the difference. The seeing brings comfort in suffering.

I really struggled with even typing all of that, because I am still even processing it. Why do I need a God who sees? I have been so used to bending backwards for people. Maybe from the outside looking in, it may not have looked like it. But I have always tried to keep my mouth shut, keep the peace, be behaved, don’t get anything wrong, don’t upset anyone, just a lot of don’t according to what others wanted. And because I am human, I failed each and every time or it just wasn’t good enough. No matter how I tried to “please” people (which only recently I have found out I still do, tbh I knew I did, just didn’t want to accept it), it will never work. I am human, I will always do wrong.

& please don’t get me wrong; I am not painting myself out to be a saint, like someone who is just so hard done by the world. I could have dealt with some situations a lot better, but where I have messed up and thought grace would locate me, grace from humans? Seriously? It somehow got lost in the post. Where I gave others the benefit of the doubt, I never got the benefit of the doubt. Where I refrained from telling people about themselves to not hurt them, they have willingly told me about myself and hurt me. Where I thought let me respect them and then hopefully I will get that respect back, it never happened.

Can you see the flaws in my understanding?

With humans, what you sow, you will not always necessarily reap - it’s not guaranteed. But with God, you will always reap.

This is why God is so precious to me, yet again, nearly two years into my journey, he has told me that I AM the only one who truly sees you, and not only does He see, He cares.

Through all of these situations, knowing He sees me makes me cry. I’ve always just wanted to be seen, to be valued, to be praised. And I have been, in a way, but it’s always conditional. In my dark, messy state, that’s when I truly want to be seen. Not because I have done something right/good.

I really love my God; He is the only one who sees me and still loves me in my mess, who gives me compassion, who doesn’t judge me when I am dirty and failing but comes to me in the dirt, takes me out and cleans me up. Knowing that I am just a child, trying man. I’m just trying. Please be gentle with me 🥺

His parenting is so perfect.

In a world of seeking validation, you’ll never find it, seek it in Jesus.

Tbh, I’m not here to bash people, it’s my own fault why it is like this. I placed my trust and hope in someone who is a mortal man and can barely see their own problems. How can I expect them to see mine?  They’re not in the secret place with me when I am pouring out my heart, my pain, my trauma, travailing my soul before the LORD.

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have put that expectation on anyone, they are really trying their best, like I try my best for people and still get it wrong.

But I am grateful I have finally met my El Roi.

Jesus, can we run away together?

Be encouraged to pray that you will be able to see people the way God sees them. So, they don’t go through what we have experienced, and they can truly feel heaven on earth when they encounter you - mini Jesus.

Anyway, El Roi for the win right?

Side note: if anyone sees Lilly - tell her to RELOAD IT!!!!

I rest my case, Amen.